these days life is pretty crazy… i started back to work two weeks ago so i am still acclimating to life as a working mom of three. people always told me that having three was the game changer… that it feels way harder than having two was. i can’t say i feel that way yet. above all i feel like i can’t imagine not having three… it feels more unbelievable to think that we ever considered just having two. my heart is just bursting with joy over our busy little family. the hard part is going through the phase where i have to make amends with myself for the time that i am missing at home with my new little baby.
i really love to work and i love my job. working in the fashion industry is totally chaotic and all encompassing, but i love it nonetheless. after ten years in the industry i’ve realized i am kind of addicted to the craziness that it is. all that being said, i forgot how hard it is to go back after spending time at home with the kids. when people ask how i am doing my answer is always “fine.” the thing is you just can’t think about it. i just have to push forward and not focus on being sad. i guess its a bit of living in a state of denial, but maybe denial is also a state of survival. once i get to work i am so busy that i hardly have a moment to think about missing him so the daytime isn’t all that hard. the hard part is when i get home and that damn subway ride that always feels about twice as long. i am so anxious to see the kids that i literally start taking off my coat and zipping down my boots on the elevator so that by the time i get to the front door i bolt over to the kids and swoop rowan up into my arms. that is the hardest part of my day… the moment i realize i missed another day with him.
the thing is, i know i am so blessed. we have a wonderful nanny who loves our little kiddos to pieces and i have a great job that i don’t dread going to and that allows me to give my kids a wonderful life… i’m not complaining at all, just thinking about how its just hard being a mom sometimes. its the best thing i have ever done–and the hardest.
for now, i am just taking one day at a time. i am relishing the moments i get with him… even when he is crying. or fussy. or up at 2:30 in the morning, and then again at 5. when he is on the verge of giggling. when he tugs on my finger. when snuggling him against me stops him from crying. when he looks up at me and smiles. all these little moments, moments that seem so easy to skip over or be frustrated by… instead of being sad i am choosing to soak in each little moment and choose joy.