when i look at the picture above it gives me chills… the kind where you just want to pinch yourself because you can’t imagine being more thankful for anything in your entire life. nate sent this image to me when i was in the hospital last friday…. sadly, we found out last week that we lost the baby… i was 13 weeks pregnant.
i’ve been kind of dreading writing this post… i guess one of the tough parts about blogging and being so open about your life, is that you have to be open about the good and the bad.
we have been so blessed in the past… we were able to get pregnant quickly with both alexa and hayden. i had little to no issues with both pregnancies and was able to deliver both naturally. i can honestly say that i never took either pregnancy for granted… i knew we were truly blessed. you hear about so many stories of difficulties getting pregnant, miscarriages, challenging births…. the list is endless. i considered each day that would pass during both pregnancies to be a gift.
when we found out we were pregnant again it was such a surprise… we weren’t really planning to be pregnant again so quickly, but we were excited nonetheless. when you find out you are pregnant you always know there is a possibility of miscarriage… this is obviously why they tell you to wait a bit before sharing the news with family and friends. when you find out at 4 weeks, like we did, it is so hard to contain the excitement. i’ve always believed that we could tell the people that we would tell right away if something bad happened… i’m not a super private person anyway.
i went into a regular check up last week and they went to check the heart beat and sadly, there was not one. my initial reaction was, i guess it was not meant to be…. that was followed by a calm sense of shock… and then tears. sadly, an overwhelming feeling i had was of guilt. i felt guilty for being upset because i knew this was common and happened to many women. i felt sad that i was going to have to tell nate and our families that we lost the baby… i felt like i was going to disappoint everyone. i felt thankful that we had never told alexa and hayden. mostly, i felt heartbroken for women who have to go through this and do not already have children. to say the least, the experience has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster.
i think the hardest part about the past week has been realizing that this is hard. women talk about miscarriages in a way that makes them seem so common that you almost shouldn’t be upset about them. so many people seemed to respond, oh… yes, well, i guess it is very common. or, it happened to me too… or, my sister went through that. the thing that got to me the most was that as a mother, you start taking care of that little baby the moment you find out they exist… you adjust your diet, your schedule, your every day routines… you start to cultivate a love for this little being inside of you. yes, miscarriages are common, but i felt a huge loss and an aching for what might have been.
nate sent the photo above just as i had finished the procedure (d&c)… the image was an immediate reminder that every aspect of life has a silver lining and on that day, mine was that photo. nate took the kids to his studio that morning and did a little impromptu photo shoot. the pictures below fill me with absolute joy. we have so much to be thankful for.
Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you deal with it is what makes the difference. – Virginia Satir
tomorrow we are leaving for mexico with the kids – thankfully right before we found out about losing the baby i had a change of heart and decided we needed to take the kids with us on our little getaway… good thing to because if we hadn’t done that we would have been booking two last minute tickets! no way are we leaving these 2 behind!